1. Between myself and my husband, as I am sorting laundry to be put away...
Him: Your hair is a little flat today. I just noticed.
Me: What are you trying to say? You hate it?
Him: It's just...flat.
Me: Oh, so it's like a "Carol Brady thing" going on? Is that what you mean?
Him: No. I was thinking more...Liza Minelli...
(Following scene deleted as I give Mark a pelting with rolled up socks....)
2. Between myself and my husband, as we are getting dinner on the table...
Him: I'm going away for a guys weekend.
Me: Oh. Really.
Me: Well, that's okay. I was thinking of shipping the kids off to your mother's for the night anyway.
Him: Oh yeah? So you can do...what, exactly?
Me: I thought I'd invite all of my girlfriends over and we could have a sleepover...watch 80's chick flicks...have naked pillow fights...
Him: I could come home early. With the camera...
3. Between myself and my son Keegan, age 6, after school.
Him: Mommy, can we stay at the park to play for a while.
Me: Sure, honey.
Him: Thank you Mommy! I love you so much!
Me: You're welcome. I love you too.
Him: And you're so beautiful!
Me: Thanks sweetie.
Interjection from another school mom: How much do you pay him?
4. Between myself and another friend, who is also a mom
Her: Do you ever want to list your kids on E-Bay and give them to the first bidder over $5.00?
Her. (pause...) Me either.
Me. I'd want at least $100 each, so I could buy some new boots and a purse.
5. Between myself and a friend, discussing the past weekend
Her: What did you do yesterday.
Me: Went to church. Went to my aunt's for dinner.
Her: You went to church? What was the occasion?
Me: (after deciding it would be hypocritical to be offended by the question). Free brunch after the mass.
Her: You're going to burn in hell, you know.
Me: I'll pack the extra SPF when I go.
6. Between me and my son Keegan, discussing his latest piece of artwork...
Me: That's a nice picture Keegan. Is that you swimming?
Him: Yes. See the waves?
Me: Yes. What are all of those squares in the sky above the clouds?
Him: That's Heaven.
Me: And the squares?
Him: Where the angels live. Like where Grandma stays.
Me: Ah....headstones. Gotcha.
Him: Grandma watches me from up there while I'm swimming, to make sure I don't get drownded.
7. Between me and Ty, in the bathroom.
Me: Come on Ty. Go pee in the toilet like a big boy.
Me: Yes! In the potty! Don't you want to wear underwear like your brothers?
Me: So, go pee in the potty!
Him: Uh...no thanks.
What about you? Any interesting conversations lately?